When I was a kid, I never understood why adults in movies were always stressed about the holidays. I think about that scene in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation when the doorbell rings and the adults look all stressed, the front door opens, and the chaos ensues.
I never understood why the holidays would be stressful.
As I’ve gotten older, I get it.
As friends and family have had children, I get it.
As I’ve done the annual juggle of family gatherings, celebrations, and all that goes with it, I get it.
Life is busy, and complicated, and the holidays tend to add to that.
I had a friend who once spent a Thanksgiving driving to three separate New England states to visit various parts of her family. THREE STATES IN ONE DAY!!! That is ridiculous.
For so many of us, the days that are supposed to be relaxing and rejuvenating can easily turn out to be stressful, busy, and overwhelming.
Even for those of us who stay closer to home, or are hosting, there is additional stress.
Or, for those of us who have complicated relationships with family, have been shunned, disowned, misgendered, overlooked … the list goes on.
Holidays are wonderful and beautiful, and they can be a source of great stress.
Our culture has this ideal of the holidays - everyone gathered together and laughing, drinks flowing, food that is perfect, sparing no expense. Well, for most of us some part of this ideal won’t come to fruition.
Maybe you’re struggling with money this year.
Maybe you’re uncomfortable with your family for one reason or another (insert racism, transphobia, political clashes, etc).
Maybe you’re anxious about gathering with others while we continue to be in the midst of a worldwide pandemic.
Maybe you’re all horrible cooks.
Maybe you’ve decided to stop drinking and everyone wants to know why.
Maybe someone you love is missing at the table, and that emptiness and grief is weighing you down.
Even if none of these things apply to you, know that they are very true and present for someone you love. Perhaps that person will be at your table tomorrow, or perhaps they won’t.
But, here are some things you might consider this Thanksgiving and the upcoming holiday season.
Instead of saying, “I hope you’ll be home for the holiday” … Try: “I’d love to see you, and I want you to do what feels relaxing and celebratory for you and your family.”
Instead of, “What are you doing for work these days?” Try, “How have you been spending your time?”
Instead of, “Why aren’t you drinking?” Try … honestly, pretty much anything else. “What can I offer you to drink - seltzer, sparkling water, this super tasty mocktail I made because I don’t think alcohol is the key to happiness, celebration, and joy?”
These are just some ideas to help folx feel welcome at your table and at your celebration.
If we’ve learned anything this past 20 months, it’s that things won’t always be how we imagined them. The pandemic has really opened our eyes to the possibilities that abound.
Sometimes people can’t make it home for the holiday, or are choosing not to because it is what is best for their soul and their family. Sometimes people need space to grieve their losses. Sometimes people need to be reminded that they are loved and worthy simply for being who they are - not for what they do for work, where they live, or what side dish they brought with them. Sometimes, we just need to be with people who love us and know that we are loved.
These are good to keep in mind for all of life, but definitely for the holidays.
Also, cut yourself some slack!
You’re doing great!
So what if your gravy is lumpy, or your baseboards are covered in dog fur, or your kids haven’t bathed in a week.
So what if you, your kids and your spouse have decided not to drive anywhere on the holiday and sit in sweatpants all day instead.
What matters most is that we take a moment to pause, breathe into the moment, be present, and feel gratitude for all we have. I know it sounds cliché but I’m serious. You are worthy and loved just as you are. I am worthy and loved just as I am. You are an amazing person. The world is better because you are in it. I am grateful for you.
Since tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I’ll wrap this up fairly quickly. Plus, I need to marinate my tofu for tomorrow’s dinner. No, I’m not joking.
I’ll close with a completely incomplete, random list of things I’m grateful for, in hopes that you might make your own list.
Access to clean water.
My family - my wife, and my dogs (even though they got into my hiking bag and ate all of my snacks and are currently covered in extremely fine white sand/dust that I will probably be finding for at least a week).
My family or origin.
My chosen family.
The privilege of travel.
Books.
Internet and all of the things that allow me to be in contact with the people I love.
The amazing queso I ate at Margo’s Mexican Food in Alamogordo, New Mexico (seriously, it was so good).
Mrs. Bozak, my typing teacher in high school (thanks, Mom, for making me take that class).
Pickles.
Mashed potatoes.
Hot coffee.
Planned Parenthood.
Music.
Church.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Community.
Every one of you reading this right now in this exact moment.
Okay, I’m going to stop because I want you to go make a list of some of the things you are grateful for (maybe even write them in the comments below!)
However you celebrate tomorrow - whether it be alone, with family, with friends, with coworkers, in service to others, or any of the myriad ways we can express our gratitude, I hope you know that you are loved.
I am grateful you are in this world. Happy Thanksgiving.
This week’s Invitation to Deepening: What are you grateful for? Write it down. Maybe even write it down everyday.
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