“Well at least ….”
“You should be grateful that ….”
“It could always be worse …”
“Everything happens for a reason …”
“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle …”
These are some cliches I’ve heard far too many times. As a counselor, minister, and chaplain, I have lost count of the number of times these phrases are thrown around. When we say them we mean well - we really do. We want to bring comfort to the people in our lives who are suffering or dealing with challenging things. We want to reassure them that things will be okay.
But, often, in the process, our words have the exact opposite impact. We may intend something to be helpful, healing, or caring but we cannot control how it lands with that person. And, more often than not, we are discounting the emotional experience they are having in the moment.
There is a phrase that seems to be everywhere these days. #GOODVIBESONLY is splattered on t-shirts, mugs, tote bags, and journals.
At first glance, this phrase is harmless. Of course we want to go through our lives sending and receiving good vibes. We want to foster a sense of gratitude and abundance and positivity. Studies even show that these things are contagious - positivity can multiply and have a ripple effect in the world.
I think what gets to me about this phrase is the “only” piece. Good vibes ONLY. That qualifier seems both unlikely and unfair.
The human experience is not solely positive or good. The truth is that life sucks sometimes.
As human beings, we experience loss, grief, oppression, abuse, and harm. Whether we chalk it up to chance, fate, luck, or a divine plan, we will all experience these things at some point in our lives. And, most likely, when that time comes and we are feeling miserable, isolated, and bereft, there will be someone wanting to pull us out of that experience. And while I’m grateful that person exists, I want to suggest a different approach.
What if we just let each other have our feelings?
What would it look like to be present with our people rather than jumping immediately to save them?
How might our relationships shift or change?
I love the word compassion. I love it because it literally means to suffer with (I know, that’s a weird thing to love …). Its meaning is rooted in the idea that we can share our burdens, our suffering, and our pain. Implicit in its meaning is our necessity for relationship and a shared experience.
We don’t have to do it alone! Just as we want to share our joy with others, we also want to share our pain. At the very least, we want the pain to be acknowledged, and honored, and held - and sometimes we don’t want to do all of that alone.
This has been an incredibly difficult lesson for me.
I want the people I love to thrive and feel loved and know they are remarkable and wonderful. I hate to see them suffer and often have the urge to immediately make it better.
And, over time, I have learned the importance of time and space.
If we jump straight to gratitude and appreciation, or “fake-it-until-you-make-it” joy, we are missing an opportunity.
In that case, we are missing a chance to deepen our experience, lean into it, and let it unfold as it will. Not only that, but we are ignoring the place and space they are in, and trying to pull them somewhere else. More often than not, they want someone to join them there, not immediately pull them somewhere different.
This lesson in simply being present has been lifelong for me, but has certainly been highlighted in my work as a chaplain and pastor. Particularly in the hospital, there is so little power one has over what will happen. I cannot take the person’s cancer away. I cannot change the reality that their children will not have them at their wedding. I cannot fix any of it.
But maybe, just maybe, that isn’t the point.
Maybe the point is to be present with the pain, to name and honor it, and to let it be. Maybe it would be more helpful and loving to cry with them, to listen to their fears and sadness, and to sit in silence.
This makes me think of Eeyore in Winnie the Pooh.
I mean, let’s face it, he was clinically depressed. Eeyore was bummed most of the time, certainly not the life of the party, and generally down in the dumps. And you know what? Pooh and Piglet didn’t try to change that. They honored his feelings and were present with him. They still told him about their lives, and invited him to do things, and did not abandon him. They met him where he was. They don’t demand that he only emit good vibes.
We could learn a thing or two from that friendship. When a person we love is suffering, we often try one of the following: try to fix it, offer unspecific and general love and help, or fade into the background.
So what would it look like to flip these tendencies and replace them with compassionate response?
Let’s take a look.
Common Response: Try to fix it. “What you need to do is …”
Compassionate Response: Pay attention.
Ask the person if they want to problem solve and brainstorm, or if they want to speak freely and uninterrupted. Ask them, “do you want to vent or problem solve.” Consider that they may simply need to feel seen and heard. Either way, honestly, stop talking. If you’re really there to be present with them, they should be doing most of the talking. Take your cues from them. If they want to problem solve, take into consideration whether your advice is really for them, or for you.
Common Response: Offer unspecific love and help. “Let me know if I can do anything.”
Compassionate Response: Offer specific and targeted help.
Think about the last time you were completely exhausted, overwhelmed, grieving, or hurt. Did you look at that pile of dirty laundry and think, “I should call my coworker and ask them to wash those”? No, you didn’t.
When we are in a tough place we are unlikely to reach out - it takes too much energy and we feel like a burden. So, instead, we can offer specific and targeted help. Consider the level of intimacy with the person in need. If you are more of acquaintances, perhaps you say, “I’m going to drop off dinner this week. Which day would you prefer?” Or, “I’m sending you a GrubHub gift card to order delivery.” If you are closer with the person you might say something like, “I’m going to the store on Saturday - what groceries can I grab for you?” Or, “I’m coming over on Wednesday to do laundry while you nap/shower/get your nails done/cry on the couch. What time works for you?” Or, “I know you love Nacho Cheese Doritos and Swedish Fish, I left them on your front porch. Enjoy!” (For the record, this last example is me. I’m talking about what I like if you ever want to drop these things at my place. Once I’m in one place.)
Common Response: Disappear.
Compassionate Response: Keep showing up.
In the face of sadness, grief, worry, stress, or pain, many of us have a tendency to run away. Our friend loses a baby, or their marriage is in danger, or they have been diagnosed with a chronic disease, or they are recently out of rehab, or a person dies - and, not knowing what to do or say, we disappear. This is one of the most common things I’ve heard from patients, clients, and congregants - when things get hard or uncomfortable or sad, some people just stop showing up.
Sometimes this is because we don’t know what to do or say. Sometimes it is because the pain hits too close to home. Sometimes this is because we are afraid of the difficult emotions these circumstances cause. And, most of the time, simply showing up can make a difference. Showing up can look like visiting, calling, texting, sending a card, or sending funny memes and gifs. It will look different for every relationship and every circumstance.
But, try to remember, you are in this person’s life because they want you to be - try to stick around even when things are hard.
Of course these are not the only possibilities of how we naturally respond in difficult or uncomfortable situations. Clearly there are even more options of what might be a compassionate response or way to help. I’d love for you to share any of those ideas in the comments below.
At their core, the ways to respond compassionately are built on a foundation of relationship, presence, and respect. The goal is not to do or say the perfect things, but rather to show up with love, vulnerability, honesty, and care and know that in itself is enough.
In a world where the vibes aren’t always good,
In a world where our emotions and experiences span a vast range,
In a world where we each show up uniquely as ourselves …
May we bring our love and our vulnerability and our presence with one another,
May we leave space for the hard feelings,
May we leave space for the sadness and the pain,
And may we honor the fullness of human experience with gratitude for the many ways we can offer love and support, foster a sense of love and belonging, and somehow make it through together.
This week’s Invitation to Deepening: Who in your life could use a little extra love this week? How can you show up compassionately for them?
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